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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23589040">Eating Away at You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinesubarus/pseuds/sunshinesubarus'>sunshinesubarus</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eating Disorders, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt, vent fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:15:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,331</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23589040</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinesubarus/pseuds/sunshinesubarus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>And how can flowers kill him? There's no way they could because quite frankly, the disease couldn't do anything to him that would make him any worse than he already is.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sena Izumi/Tsukinaga Leo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Eating Away at You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>MAJOR trigger warnings for self harm, suicide and eating disorders. I wrote this as a vent fic and really liked how it turned out, if you are struggling with anything mentioned in this fic please find someone to talk to, people love and care about you just stay strong!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Modelling isn’t everyone’s dream career. But for Izumi, it had been the natural choice for him, as it’s all about the pursuit of perfection. Staring back at him is his reflection, his own eyes move up his body. He can see things that shouldn’t be there, imperfections that he never wants to see. Looking at his hips he can see a small amount of fat that he wants gone. His stomach is too soft to the touch. Sighing, he brings his hand to the base of his sternum. Ribs don’t protrude from his body anymore, and the base of his ribcage is barely visible. All of these things have to be fixed, with a shoot coming up in the next few days he needs to figure out how to cure this. How to remove all this <em> fat </em> from his body.  Laxatives are the first things he thinks about, but he steers away from the thought knowing all too well how slippery that slope is. The risk of addiction isn’t worth the payout, the other thought is starving himself which isn’t exactly easy considering his parents are actually around these days. Plus he has Arashi watching his every move and if he doesn’t eat as much she may just get suspicious. He takes to punishing himself over everything else because it’s more convenient than thinking about a way to fool his family and friends. He could always skip out on dinner by saying he’s going to see a friend or someone else, maybe even a date but then the fallout from that…His mother especially wouldn’t let up, nor would she let him know peace until she knows just  <em> who </em> Izumi is seeing late at night.</p><p>Steam covers the mirror, hiding his body from him. To be honest, he’d completely forgotten that the shower had been running. His guilt and thoughts had consumed him, again, but he knows what he has to do. The water falling from the showerhead hits against the floor, filling the room with a sound that almost hurts his ears. He doesn’t let it and instead goes about his usual routine. The first thing that Izumi does is run his hair under the water, letting it run down his back. It moves over his face, and it’s then that he directs it out of his face, running his hands through his hair. Looking down in the shower is the thing he hates doing the most because then all he can see is the way his stomach slightly bulges out from the rest of the body. He also always become hyper-conscious about how his thighs feel rubbing together. Getting his mind off of it Izumi reaches for the shampoo, rubbing his hands together creating a thick layer of bubbles. As he rubs it into his hair he begins to hum softly, a song that had been composed by none other than Tsukinaga Leo. Shampoo runs down his body, moving down the drain. He likes the sound of the water better when it’s running over his body, it makes it less harsh against his ears. He follows the same procedure that he did with the shampoo, except using conditioner. As he lets it sit for the required three minutes, he lathers up his own body, trying to choke down the bile in his throat as he touches his thighs and stomach. For what feels like the millionth time that month he tries to wrap his fingers around his thighs so they touch but there’s the smallest space between them. It’s enough to make him feel sick. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You ate. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You broke it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You weren’t supposed to. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Whatever is in his head is right. His own rules were broken, the rules that he was supposed to follow to achieve perfection. Forever out of reach, but he can’t blame anything, or anyone but himself. This is his undoing, every day he wishes he was like Tsukasa, or Leo, who no matter what they eat don’t put on any weight. And if they do it doesn’t show, their bodies are what he wishes he had more than anything. But he can’t achieve them if he keeps fucking failing. So maybe that’s why he finds himself looking down at the floor, the water falling down either side of him. Steady streams falling from his fringe to the shower floor. Maybe that’s why he brings his right index and middle fingers together. He pushes them to the back of his throat, and <em> it hurts. </em> It takes a while, longer than he would want but that’s what he gets for waiting so long before realizing he was going to purge. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Thud. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Was that him? Is the sound of splashing because of him? The feeling of burning in his throat is so <em> good </em> that he doesn’t want it to end. Empty is what he wants to feel, he wants to feel his stomach be as light as it can be. He wants to feel it be full of purely nothing. Maybe that’s why as he stands up he smiles, maybe that’s why he isn’t disgusted by the smell that surrounds him. Shame doesn’t fall over him as it usually does, because it just felt too refreshing to let everything out. Quickly he turns the shower off, the steam makes his head feel light and his throat feel drier. </p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t spare a second glance to the shower. </p><p> </p><p>Why would he?</p><p> </p><p>His hair takes unnecessarily long to dry as he runs his hands through it. Sleeping with his hair wet isn’t good for it, so he always has to wait until it dries so unfortunately, he has to stay up then. The darkness of his bedroom is illuminated from the blue light of his computer, next to it is an old diary, there are piles of them that he’s been using to keep track of his progress. Tonight though, there had been something that had felt different in his throat. Wracking his head, he can’t put his finger on it. Tickling had been felt, fleeting but it had been there for a second and never has he felt that before. Fingernails dig into his thighs as he tries to figure out what exactly it is, his google searches all coming up with the same thing which he just knows isn’t true, because there’s no one he loves like that. Never in his life has he felt romantic feelings towards someone, and never has he felt like he even deserves romance. Romance is a perfection, it’s idealised. Everyone is made to strive for it, even models are made to feign and fake it until they get to the top. So maybe that’s why he finds himself unable to accept what every article is telling him. Gurgles erupt from his stomach, he just ignores too focused on the words on the words on his laptop screen. They’re saying that tickling in the throat is a sign of what’s called Hanahaki disease? He’s only ever heard of it on a few select occasions, through childhood stories that have anything but true. They were mainly used to scare children into behaving, into steering away from those of the opposite gender because no parent wanted to deal with a five-year-old coughing up flowers. With that, he slams his laptop shut. Crescent moons are left in his thighs, he doesn’t think too much of it. They’ll be easy to cover if he has to show them at work and if anyone asks he can just say it was one of the cats from the archery club. And since that’s where Leo spends a lot of his afterschool time, people will believe him. It’s easy to make excuses for things that are your own doing, that’s a lesson he’d taught himself over the last few years. Looking at the ceiling, he wonders what it would be like to be able to eat whatever you want without fear. To eat anything without second thoughts or rushing to calculate the numbers in his head. </p><p> </p><p><em> It must be nice </em>.</p><p> </p><p>Blaring fills the bedroom, and Izumi shoots up out of bed in response. His mornings are always simple. He gets out of bed and stretches his arms above his head. Yawning he makes his way to the closet on the other side of his room and pulls out a school uniform. Laying it out neatly on the bed, he wonders if this will be the day that his pants will finally be too big or he’ll have to tighten his belt just that <em> little </em> bit more. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. His pants fit him the same way they had yesterday, and his shirt hangs over his frame the same. </p><p> </p><p>“Fuck.”</p><p> </p><p>Looking through his phone he sees nothing has changed, his coffee isn’t hot enough that it burns his mouth. It’s enough to calm down his stomach pains for the time being, according to the timer on his phone it’s been maybe fourteen hours since he last ate which isn’t bad at all, but he knows that he can take it further. Breakfast is the one meal of the day he never bothers with, lunch is what he tries to get out of and dinner is what he can never escape. So he always tries to do his best to get through until at least the afternoon before he runs out of excuses. The search terms from the night before have been emptied from his head and he doesn’t particularly care to think about them either. Looking at the clock on the wall he sees that there’s around an hour to get to school before he’s late. His shoes and backpack are already at the door. The air outside is getting warmer, which means that soon enough he’s going to have to start wearing shorts and t-shirts to stave off the heat. He doesn’t need to worry about that particularly with his uniform, but when it comes to weekends and such he will. He barely does wear either, but if it gets warm enough then he’ll have to risk overheating. Also, for work, there’s no doubt about it that they’ll make him wear more revealing clothes as the weather warms up.</p><p> </p><p>Holding onto the stairway he makes his way the stairs to get to the subway station. Students and businessmen are everywhere, the morning commute is always crowded. Throngs of people are moving through the gates and he can only follow, caught up in their flow. Some of the teenage girls seem to have recognized him, he can see how they’re whispering between each other and pointing from where they’re standing. Making his way through the turnstiles he’s rather quick to get to the subway platform. Scrolling through his phone, he sees the Knights group chat has been rather active since he last checked. Everything has gotten a lot more normal since Leo had come back this year. He’s thankful for it, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t any remorse held inside him. He’s never made it known to anyone but Ritsu and Arashi. The world outside the subway moves past him at what feels like slow motion, and eventually, the train comes to a stop. He hadn’t even read the messages from his groupmates, he’d let himself get lost again which is something that he finds happening more and more. Walking from the subway to school, he does spend the rest of his time looking at his phone screen trying to get up to date with his groupmates. There’s also an unanswered message from Arashi that he hadn’t gotten to look at earlier asking him how he’s doing. Maybe she knows about this, but he doubts it and if she does, she won’t stop him. No matter what because she knows the importance his work holds to him, and how it makes him feel that he makes his keep. As soon as he walks through the school doors he’s whisked off to another part of the school. Fingers are wrapped around his wrist; he looks up and sees an orange ponytail.</p><p> </p><p>“Ou-Sama, what are you doing?”</p><p> </p><p>“Why I’m saving you from the boredom of classes, Sena!”</p><p> </p><p>They come to a stop at the old tennis courts at the back of the school. Izumi’s out of breath, and his stomach growls. He tries to hide the way he winces, tries to hide it away from Leo. Thankfully, it seems that Leo hasn’t noticed at all. He isn’t about to say anything to make him catch on. Arashi’s message is still sitting unread in his phone, also not replied to because it’s stupid, what she’s suggesting. The wind blows from behind Leo, causing his hair to move ever so slightly.</p><p> </p><p>“Isn’t being here with me so much better! I got hit with inspiration Sena, and I needed you! None of my other knights would have worked, Sena gives me the best inspiration!”</p><p> </p><p>Izumi isn’t taken aback at Leo’s words, and for unknown reasons, Izumi sits down. Warmth slowly blossoms in the pit of his stomach. Looking at Leo he can’t help but think about how perfect he is, about how he would <em> kill </em> his body figure. But also, Leo is beauty personified. Perfection without even trying and it’s almost not fair. Leo, instead of sitting across from him lies on his stomach and pulls out a torn up notebook. Permanent marker in hand he begins to hum, scribbling away as Izumi watches ever so carefully. Once now and then Leo does look up towards him, he moves his hands a certain way as if creating a picture. It’s nice, the only time that Leo is silent is when he’s writing. Tilting his head up, Izumi looks towards the sky noticing that the clouds have begun to cover the sun. Shadows fall over Leo, and the wind picks up. Reaching out his hand, Izumi realises that he’s shivering. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you cold, Sena?”</p><p> </p><p>“Who wouldn’t be? It’s freezing out here Ou-Sama.”</p><p> </p><p>Izumi knows that it’s probably not that cold, so he’s shocked that Leo complies with him. Instead of running back to their classes, they walk. Admiring how the school looks in springtime with the cherry blossoms hanging from the trees, swaying in the wind as they slowly make their way to the ground. As they’re walking, Izumi notices that ever since they got to the tennis courts that the warmth that’s been at the pit of his stomach hasn’t dwindled, but instead stayed which scares him. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m gonna go to class, Ou-Sama, you should do the same.”</p><p> </p><p>“But class is boring!”</p><p> </p><p>Leo reminds him of an annoying child, but he lets it slide. Walking in the opposite direction Izumi just lifts his hand to say goodbye, too scared to say the words because there’s something that he doesn’t quite understand going on. He isn’t usually the one to goof off in class, nor is he someone that doesn’t pay attention but right now it feels a tad more difficult than usual. But thanks to Leo’s inspiration, he doesn’t have to stay in this room for long until lunchtime. Being with Leo has always made him forget about things like time, sometimes he’s even forgotten about himself. Looking out the window from his desk, his mind wanders and he begins to try and think about just what that <em> fuzzy </em>  feeling in his stomach was because it was so unfamiliar to the lightness he’s used to. But it wasn’t bad, for the first time he hadn’t felt heavy or bad. Then again though he hadn’t eaten anything so there’s not much to that, he’s always found things easier when he hasn’t eaten. But this is different to that, he’s never felt whatever  <em> that </em> was before. So quickly, he pulls out his phone and sends a message to Arashi asking her to meet him at lunchtime. He doesn’t really know why he’s asking her though, considering that they have usually spent their lunchtimes together unless she’s with Mika? Well, at least that’s what Izumi thinks his name is.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m shocked you actually have time for me.”</p><p> </p><p>Almost immediately Izumi begins walking towards the courtyards. </p><p> </p><p>“I always make time for you Izumi-chan!”</p><p> </p><p>“Mmhmm, what about when you’re with that Mika kid Naru?”</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t say anything in return because it’s true, both know it. The air around them goes silent because Izumi knows what’s coming next. Which doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, and nor does he want to deal with it. Pulling out a chair for Arashi he lets out a sigh, before sitting down himself. Looking across the table he can see the concern in her eyes, and the tiredness that’s present in them as well. She needs to get better at hiding those things, not many could pick it out but if he can do it then she needs to get better because if she can’t fool him, who can she fool? Though maybe that’s not her play right now, maybe she wants him to see how tired she actually is. But they wouldn’t be in this position if she had just left him alone for once, he hadn’t wanted her to know because he knew that she’d never leave him be until he was recovered. </p><p> </p><p>And he really, <em> really </em> doesn’t want to recover.</p><p> </p><p>It isn’t even that completely either though, he can’t even let himself think of recovery yet because he isn’t where he’s supposed to be. Though much to his surprise, there’s nothing said between them about whatever is going on underneath everything. Looking at her makes Iuzmi wonders if maybe this isn’t what she’s here for, maybe she just wants to talk to him normally for once. </p><p> </p><p>“Izumi-chan, what’s going on, hm?”</p><p> </p><p>As he looks at her now, Izumi realises that maybe she knows more than is being let on. Which then brings forward another question of just how could she know more than him about himself. He isn’t easy to read but there are probably things that others could easily pick up on. There are only two people who know him that well though, and one of them is sitting across from him.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s about Ou-Sama.”</p><p> </p><p>With that, Arashi’s interest is piqued. She leans forward resting her head on her hands.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh?”</p><p> </p><p>Heat rises to his cheeks, and his throat seems to go dry. But it’s the type of dry he isn’t used to, and he can’t talk without his voice fading somewhat. The words don’t quite seem to be forming. More than anything right now he wants the earth to swallow him whole, just so he can get out of trying to explain what happened to Arashi because it’s so <em> stupid. </em> Who the fuck feels that way when they’re around someone?</p><p> </p><p>“We spent all morning out in the old tennis courts this morning – just him and I, he got struck by inspiration or some bullshit, you know what he’s like and for the whole time I just felt this fucking warmth?” Looking at the table, doesn’t quite know what he’s trying to explain. He just feels embarrassed that he’s asking someone for help like this. It’s pathetic. “Like in my stomach and it spread through my whole body and I almost wasn’t cold for once? It was fucking weird Naru.”</p><p> </p><p>Even just thinking about how Leo had been around him causes that warmth to come back, and it’s so uncomfortable. Being full of food is better than this because at least he can fix that within the hour, but this? This he can’t fix because it’s coming from some unknown source since it’s really something that he’s never felt before. Laughter bursts from the other side of the table, looking up he feels his embarrassment reach new lengths. Arashi’s face is slightly red from laughing as her hand covers her mouth.</p><p> </p><p>“Izumi-chan, you like him.”</p><p> </p><p>He just scoffs, leaning back in his chair. </p><p> </p><p>“Fuck off Naru.”</p><p> </p><p>To Izumi’s dismay Arashi does the opposite, and elects to tease him about it for the rest of their lunch break. Trying to pry more and more information about it from him. Slamming his head against the table is looking tempting as she rambles on, but he knows that now she knows that romance is on the table, she won’t let it go. In his time at the academy, Izumi has never had a crush, on anyone. Which leads him to try and think about when this warm feeling had started, or what caused it. There’s only one person who’s made him feel the same way but even then it wasn’t like this, he hadn’t thought of them like the way he thinks about Leo. </p><p> </p><p>“Izumi-chan, let’s put it this way, you wouldn’t skip class for anyone but Ou-Sama, right?”</p><p> </p><p>Stiffening, Izumi lets the thought run through his head, trying to come up with names he’d do that with. Makoto is the first, but even then he wouldn’t want to make him more uncomfortable than he already is considering that their relationship is already rocky. Then there are the other members of Knights, but again he wouldn’t let them pull him away from his classes the same way Leo had done.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Fuck.” </em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Walking from the station to home, Izumi tries to process everything. He knows that people usually use their time travelling home to reflect but usually he just lets himself turn off. It’s the only time he can really relax because everywhere else there’s always what feels like there’s a risk. Whether it be that he’s being made to eat or a person is bringing up some kind of concern for him. Either way, he hates it when he’s surrounded by friends and family because they never know when to quit. In that aspect, he isn’t any better since he’s known for being stubborn. Thankfully his hunger pains have faded, and he only has four hours to go according to the timer on his phone. Which is good since he is hungry, though he isn’t even sure he’ll be able to stomach whatever’s for dinner. A car sits waiting in the driveway, it takes him by surprise because his parents are seldom home. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> That’s not good. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Footsteps echo through the front yard as he walks towards the front door. His keys clink together as he pulls them out of his pocket. Before walking inside he kicks his shoes against the doormat. He unlocks the door, and he remembers just as he’s about to open it to take his earphones out. It isn’t like he’s been listening to anything, his mother just wouldn’t like it if she saw him listening to music because then she’d give him a lecture about being careful when walking him. She does it out of love, he understands that but it’s annoying. He's almost an adult so he doesn't understand why she doesn't just let up a bit.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm home!"</p><p> </p><p>He doesn't like announcing that he's home, but his father appreciates it when he does. That's the only reason he does it. He toes off his shoes at the door, and puts his backpack down, leaning it against the door. Clanging erupts from the kitchen, and he notices that he can smell something which means that his mother is cooking. And judging from the smell it won't be long until it's ready.</p><p> </p><p>"Welcome home!"</p><p> </p><p>His stomach flips, and whatever had been left of his good mood has been flattened. He pretends that he isn't nervous, and steadies himself.</p><p> </p><p>"What's for dinner?"</p><p> </p><p>"Ramen! It's a recipe I've been wanting to try for a while, and don't worry it's nothing too heavy and has no red meats, just chicken."</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> That's gonna be hell later on. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>"Sounds good!"</p><p> </p><p>Of course, he fakes that he's excited because his mother genuinely loves cooking for them. He doesn't mind their family dinners, even if it means he has to sacrifice his fast for the day. It's nice seeing his mother so happy that they're enjoying her food, and for the record, her cooking isn't bad. He loves it if he's being honest, but a lot of her recipes do make him feel extremely heavy and make his stomach lurch. His father isn't anywhere to be seen, so Izumi assumes that he's still at work. Which would check out, he doesn't bother telling his mother that he's going upstairs to his bedroom, assuming that his footsteps are loud enough for her to get the memo.</p><p> </p><p>A small click comes from the door as he closes it. Leaning against it, he can't help but close his eyes. The first thing he does is open his closet and pull out a pair of old sweats and a baggy sweater, he lays them on his bed before taking his uniform off. Thankfully there isn't a mirror in his bedroom so he doesn't have to deal with that right now. For the second time in a day, he finds himself sitting at his desk with his laptop open, scrolling through article upon article as he tries to find out if this is as serious as he thinks. Each of them says the same thing, all of them go on and on about how <em> deadly </em> this disease is. But it doesn't exist, he's only ever heard of it as a tall tale told by adults when he was a kid. If it doesn't exist then it can't kill him, and it should be the thing that's the least on his mind right now. And how can flowers kill him? There's no way they could because quite frankly, the disease couldn't do anything to him that would make him any worse than he already is. This time, he does slam his head against his desk. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Why is this so difficult, I just want answers. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>His fingers tangle into his hair and never has he felt so defeated. It's just been a day, a day where everything feels a lot more out of control than usual. And just maybe it's a little insane to think that there's something else at play, but why on earth is this happening now? Why did that warmth have to make it's appearance now when he's known Leo for so long? None of it makes fucking sense and he just wants to throw his head into an ice bucket. But there is no ice bucket, and there's nothing else for him to do but sit at his desk and consume article upon article. Soft knocks come from outside his door, and he suspects that it's his mother.</p><p> </p><p>"Come in."</p><p> </p><p>As she opens it she smiles, warmly at him and leans on the door frame.</p><p> </p><p>"You look stressed, is there anything I can do?"</p><p> </p><p>"No, it's fine. You came up here because dinner's ready?" He pushes his chair back underneath his desk as he stands. As soon as he begins to walk he feels his thighs begin to rub together, which only reminds him that he still has a lot of weight to lose which is going to be hard. The smell wafts from the kitchen and it takes everything in him not to <em> lose </em> it because he's so hungry. The smell is enough to make his stomach pains come back in full throttle. He despises it, he hates his body for giving him away like this but his mother doesn't say anything for some reason. He can't quite figure it out, why people just let this happen.</p><p> </p><p>"Smells good, Mama."</p><p> </p><p>Smiling she sits down at the head of the table. It's nice, eating with his mother like this. Just the two of them, chatting away and catching up with one another about their days. He misses when his dad was working less though and could partake, then it was really fun even if it got heated more often than not.</p><p> </p><p>"I heard that your leader's back, how is he?"</p><p> </p><p>"As annoying as always, he's an idiot." Even just thinking about Leo makes him smile, talking about him is enough to bring back the fuzzy feeling that he'd felt earlier. He doesn't even check his phone before he begins to eat. And he wasn't wrong - it tastes good. His mother's cooking is always his weakness though, and usually, once he starts eating like this he can't stop which isn't good.</p><p> </p><p>And ramen especially isn't good for his skin.</p><p> </p><p>"Mmhmm, you seem happy that he's back." He looks up at her then, there's what looks like a smile on her face as if she knows something he doesn't. "Don't try and hide that smile from me, I'm your mother."</p><p> </p><p>As idle chitchat passes the time, Izumi begins to feel sicker. His stomach begins to hurt but there's still maybe three-quarters of the bowl left. If he doesn't finish it then his mother will know something's up because she knows how much he likes her cooking. And because of how busy she is these days, her homecooked meals are a luxury of sorts. So he forces himself, every bite makes his stomach hurt. Everything makes him feel like shit, the voice in his head telling him that he's overeating and that he's not doing enough. He wants to ask for the ingredients, he needs to know just how much <em> shit </em> he's putting into his body.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, looking down he sees that the bowl is empty. With only dregs of brew left in there.</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you for cooking Mama."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, it's my pleasure darling."</p><p> </p><p>Quickly he clears the table, carrying both bowels in one hand and two glasses in the other. He makes a mental note to do the dishes later as he runs up to his bedroom and slams the door shut. As soon as he can tell that his mother is no longer within earshot, he guns for the bathroom. There's one connected to his bedroom which is good for him, he doesn't even bother turning the shower on like he usually does. Pulling out deionised water from underneath his sink he chugs it until it's dripping down his chin and neck. It drops onto the floor, the bottle falls from his hand. His body begins to lurch, violent heaves making his throat burn. Until finally, it's out of him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Fuck, it burns. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Everything hurts so much, there are tears in his eyes. His body aches, but he can't stop himself now, even though there's water covering his sweats, even though he feels fucking disgusting.</p><p> </p><p>It just.</p><p> </p><p>Keeps.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Coming. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>It doesn't stop, he doesn't even notice that there's an odd tickling accompanying the burning of his throat. He's curled in on himself as it comes to an end, and he's so fucking thankful that it's gone from his stomach. That weight was something he didn't need <em> at all </em>.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> God, it fucking stinks in here. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Eventually, he gets himself on his feet. His head feels foggy, but that doesn't mean that he can't see the slight bits of pink floating in the toilet bowl. And they don't look like anything he's eaten either, he begins to cough, and wheeze and his throat <em> hurts </em> so much but it doesn't burn as it did earlier. As he lurches forward he expects just stomach bile to come up. He sprints to the sink, hanging his head over it but instead there's something much more perplexing.</p><p> </p><p>A cherry blossom stares back at him from the palm of his hand.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> What the fuck. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Cherry blossoms? Perplexed, Izumi throws them away in the trashcan. The floor is still wet, the bottle that had held the water is now empty. It's all over the floor so he makes a mental note that he needs to pick some more up when he has the chance. Even though the smell stings his nostrils he moves into the shower and turns it on, hot enough that steam quickly clouds the entire bathroom.</p><p> </p><p>After he's clean he's quick to throw his tracksuit pants and t-shirt in the wash, throwing in his parents' laundry at the same time. When he walks outside the laundry room he isn't paying attention.</p><p> </p><p>"Care to explain what was going up on there?"</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Stay cool, stay calm. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>"Just dropped something, that's all."</p><p> </p><p>His fingernails dig into the skin of his thighs, the only thing he'd had left after he'd dirtied his track pants had unfortunately been a pair of shorts that show off all the wrong parts of his legs.</p><p> </p><p>"Right, and what about the wrenching I heard?"</p><p> </p><p><em> I knew I should've turned the shower on. </em>   <em> You fucking idiot. </em></p><p> </p><p>"Just a stomach bug, should be gone by tomorrow."</p><p> </p><p>Looking at his mother in the eyes, he can tell that she just doesn't buy it which is scary. It's much scarier than Arashi threatening to take him to a therapist, much more threatening than thinking about going to a ward.</p><p> </p><p>"Once again, I'm your mother, I'm not an idiot."</p><p> </p><p>She isn't speaking Japanese anymore and her words are clear and concise, her English has always been scary.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm fi-"</p><p> </p><p>"You're doing it again, aren't you?"</p><p> </p><p>Neither of them says anything, there's no evidence that she can use against him. Nothing she can do or say to prove that things have gotten bad again, even though they never really got better in the first place.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not doing anything." Carefully, Izumi brings himself to look her in the eye. "What can I say to make you believe me?"</p><p> </p><p>"Come with me."</p><p> </p><p>There's no other choice than to follow her, and Izumi has a really, really bad feeling about this. He has two options, and neither is optimal. Both of them will end up with him in some kind of hospital, one of them on a surgery table and the other one spending weeks with shitty nurses and doctors who think they can <em> cure </em> him of this shit.</p><p> </p><p>Using her foot, she pulls out what looks like an electronic scale from underneath the cabinets of her and his father's bathroom.</p><p> </p><p>"You can't make me stand on that thing."</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I can't. It'll kill me. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>"You don't get a say right now, if you've lost the weight you gained over last summer I'm sending you back to the ward, hate me all you want it's for your own good."</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> No. Fuck no, I'm not going back there. I can't not again, not with all those fucking doctors and freaks.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Looking up in the mirror he can see that his eyes have widened. His heartbeat is also something he can <em> hear.  </em> He doesn't want to go back there, he can't go back there not after last time. Not after how much he  <em> struggled  </em>to get it all back.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sick."</p><p> </p><p>He can't even look at himself as he tries to say this.</p><p> </p><p>"I think I've been in love for quite some time, but I just didn't know it and now- now things aren't looking too good for me. I'm throwing up cherry blossoms and I don't know why and I'm feeling this disgusting warm feeling inside and I want it gone."</p><p> </p><p>Silence fills the room, and his mother looks back at him as if shes trying to figure out if he's lying or not. He isn't, but she has every right not to believe him.</p><p> </p><p>"If you want it gone so badly then maybe we should go to the hospital."</p><p> </p><p>"Can they even do anything?"</p><p> </p><p>He hates how small he sounds.</p><p> </p><p>He hates how empty he sounds, he hates that he's prepared to sacrifice everything because of this fucking disorder that's taken over his life. He hates it. He hates himself.</p><p> </p><p>As he stands there, looking from the mirror, to his mother. He has a realisation.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'll never get better. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>"We'll go tomorrow then, okay?"</p><p> </p><p>Nodding, Izumi watches as his mother moves out of the bathroom and he begins to make his way upstairs back to his bedroom. The first thing he does when he gets there is pull out an old notepad, pen and paper. He begins to write, he writes without really thinking, he confesses and apologises. It feels good to get everything off of his chest, refreshing even. He closes his computer, leaving the room to be dark. He begins to run himself a bath, making sure that it's the right temperature. It takes longer than he expected and as he waits, he sings to himself.</p><p> </p><p>He sings a song that Leo had written for him.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn't bother taking his clothes off as he gets in since it doesn't matter. Without thinking, he becomes almost detached. He feels as if he's not really in his own body and is instead watching as this all unfolds. Watching as he plays with the razor blade that he'd kept hidden in case he became too cowardly to keep on living. He doesn't feel remorse as he slashes at his skin, as he cuts vertically down his wrists.</p><p> </p><p>It hurts, it stings but god it feels so good to finally know he isn't going to wake up the next day. His arms go limp, his eyes slowly begin to flutter shut. Blood mixes with water, his head feels light, and as the world fades to black he thinks about Leo. And he just knows that without him everything will be better.</p><p> </p><p>Knights will be better.</p><p> </p><p>Without him, perfection will be within grasp.</p><p> </p><p>A buzzing fills the room, coming from his phone vibrates on the sink. He can't move to get it, so he lets it go to ringer. Everything begins to fade, his head becomes too light and he feels like he's floating.</p><p> </p><p>The buzzing is still going.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>His arms fucking <em> hurt. </em> His body aches, his throat is dry and his head is pounding. Opening his eyes the first thing he sees is the white roof, the second thing he notices is the smell of sanitiser against his nostrils.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Why the fuck am I alive. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He tries to move his arms so he can sit up, but pain erupts through his entire body. There's an IV drip connected to his arm, and he can hear his heartbeat from the monitor next to him. Maybe this is all some nightmare and he's actually dead.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, you're awake?"</p><p> </p><p>A doctor is standing at the end of his bed, Izumi tries to speak but it doesn't seem like his body can even handle that.</p><p> </p><p>"You had us worried for a second, welcome to the land of the living."</p><p> </p><p>If he had the strength he'd probably punch this doctor just because of how shitty that joke is. But unfortunately, he can barely move his arms and he swears there are stitches in them.</p><p> </p><p>"You do have stitches in your arm as you cut yourself quite deep, and it's a shock your alive considering you had the water so hot but thankfully one of your friends called us and then your mother to make sure you were okay, she seemed quite worried."</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm gonna kill her. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>"Aside from that though your vitals came back, and we are slightly worried about you since you appear to be underweight and malnourished." The doctor looks through the clipboard that he's holding, there seem to be a good amount of papers on there. Izumi knows that the doctor is probably more than aware that he spent time at an inpatient ward. "We also found cherry blossoms stuck your throat..."</p><p> </p><p>The doctor clears his throat then, looking Izumi dead in the eye.</p><p> </p><p>"As a medical professional, we have to insist on surgery otherwise your life could be put further at risk." He begins to pull back the curtains that his bed from the rest of the room, and on his bedside tables Izumi notices flowers and stuffies with cards from names he can't quite read. "Please consider it."</p><p> </p><p>Izumi doesn't want it. Because this was supposed to work, this was supposed to get him out of that surgery. He didn't want to come back here, nor did he want to wake up here. The silence that had been in his room for what feels like only a second is disrupted once again when the doors open.</p><p> </p><p>"Why."</p><p> </p><p>His mother's voice is stern. But he can read between the lines, he can tell that she's worried and that she blames herself.</p><p> </p><p>"Your mother and I love you so much, how could you do this?"</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't want to come back here." He grimaces, his throat feels like sandpaper.</p><p> </p><p>"so you attempted to kill yourself? Your lucky you're in a hospital bed because if we were at home I swear-"</p><p> </p><p>"Calm down, mama, my head hurts."</p><p> </p><p>She does, and his father looks at him with what looks like disappointment in his eyes. He wants to say 'believe me I'm disappointed in myself as well' but he doesn't think his mother could handle that.</p><p> </p><p>"We're just glad you're okay."</p><p> </p><p>His father's voice is soothing and the two of them sit down on either of him. His mother takes his right hand, and as if she can read his mind.</p><p> </p><p>"Your friends are here."</p><p> </p><p>"Who?"</p><p> </p><p>"Your unit, silly. Did you think your Ma wasn't gonna let them see you after that lovely boy, Arashi? His name is called us to check on you?"</p><p> </p><p>He doesn't have the energy to correct Arashi's pronouns, he isn't even sure if she wants his mother to refer to her as a girl either, so he just leaves it.</p><p> </p><p>"Please don't send them in."</p><p> </p><p>"What about your leader?" He really doesn't want that, nor does he need it. "Leo was it?"</p><p> </p><p>But something compels him to nod his head and say yes. His parents leave, his mother kisses him gently on the forehead but doesn't hug him in fear of causing him even more pain. After they've left he feels like there isn't even a second of peace before the doors to his room slam open.</p><p> </p><p>"SENA! My beautiful knight, what have you done? Look at you, you can't go into battle like this, all stitched up! How can you fight for your precious king now?"</p><p> </p><p>"I-I'm sorry."</p><p> </p><p>Guilt consumes him, all he can do is breathe in and out to keep himself calm. To stop the waterworks from happening.</p><p> </p><p>"No, don't be sorry, a Knight always takes pride in his actions. Take pride in yourself just for making it through, even if you want to die, Sena."</p><p> </p><p>Leo sitting on the end of the bed, looking at him. Izumi can tell that Leo wants to sit on top of him but is too scared to and if his whole body wasn't aching then he'd let him.</p><p> </p><p>"Even when my head is this foggy, you make no sense. Stupid king."</p><p> </p><p>"But no matter how stupid I am, you'll listen to me, right Sena?"</p><p> </p><p>Cautiously, Izumi nods, looking Leo in the eyes. Even just seeing him like this, with the sun falling on him from the window is enough to make his heart hurt. He begins coughing, wheezing until cherry blossoms fall from his mouth. They litter the blanket, delicately dancing through the air in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>"Sena! This is so cool do you have a superpower or something!"</p><p> </p><p>"I-"</p><p> </p><p>"Just kidding, Sena these are mine aren't they! These are for me, my precious knight is in love with me, that's so cute! But does Sena know that I love him too!"</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "What?" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>How can Leo say that so nonchalantly, how can he say that without even <em> thinking </em>? Izumi thinks of love and it makes him want to throw up all over again.</p><p> </p><p>"I love you, Sena! And you love me too, right?"</p><p> </p><p>The sunlight illuminates Leo's face most gorgeously, it makes his skin glow golden. His eyes shine bright, and amidst the emerald green, Izumi swears that there are flecks of gold.</p><p> </p><p>"Y-Yeah...I do."</p><p> </p><p>"Then swear an oath, Sena," Izumi notices that Leo's voice begins to waver. Cheeriness fading away, the demeanour falling to reveal none other than what looks to be concern. "Swear an oath, to me, your king that you'll try."</p><p> </p><p>"Try what?"</p><p> </p><p>"To live."</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/riotwoIves">twitter</a> | <a href="https://curiouscat.me/riotwoIves">curious cat</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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